Phoenix Warrior

I wear my scars proudly. They are my battle wounds.

This week has been a struggle in many ways but the biggest of them all is dealing with the one injury I still can’t seem to be okay with. I have a prosthetic eye and I woke up with it swollen  so I had to do what I haven’t had to do in over 19 years, take it out for a few days and wear a patch. I thought I had emotional issues about the whole thing due to the bullying I suffered in highschool due to it but it isn’t. I was having a hard time and my friend said to me that I was making to much of a deal about it and I need to get over it and at that very moment I realized it wasn’t the patch, it was the root of the whole thing. How I got here.

It’s the fact that I will never understand why I had to lose my eye in the first place. I realized I still haven’t completely processed the fact that the first person I trusted with my whole soul and loved unconditionally completely blinded my left eye. It just doesn’t make sense to my brain and my heart. This was my mother. My protector. My world. My best friend. My everything. I just would like to know what could go through someone’s head that would do such harm on their own child. As well as the ultimate question. Why? I know what she said to me when she did it but I want to know the true reason. It wasn’t her first attempt. So there has to be more to it.

The other thing is I wish people would not tell me how to handle things or process things that may come up that trigger me from my past. Unless you have experienced anything remotely close to what I have gone through or are a therapist you have no idea how to deal with my daily demons.

Some days I just sit here wondering if it was all just a truly bad nightmare and never really happened. Then I look in the mirror and realize it is a reality. I still will never forget how I lost my vision that night. I was in the kitchen exhausted from days of no real sleep and I tried to sneak a nap while she was sleeping. I was sitting on the floor with my knees to my chest and resting my head on my knees. She comes in yelling about me sleeping and not cleaning and says I’m sinning with my eyes by resting them so she is going to gauge them out like the Bible says. Then takes a ball point pen and stabs my eye, blood starts coming down my face and she gets mad and says I better not get blood everywhere and has me go to the bathroom and get I the tub. She tells me to just stay in there and tells me it’s my fault I made her do that and that I need to be a better child.

It’s still so real but at the same time it’s like a distance bad dream or another lifetime. I really don’t know how I got through hours or days with that woman. People say it’s because I’m strong but I just don’t know. I feel like there is something else to it. I always said I would share my story with the world though it took 20 years since I left that house better late than never as they say.

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9 thoughts on “The first epiphany of April

  1. Lisa M Mundling says:

    I don’t think I have ever heard you talk so candidly about what she did. I’m so thankful every day that you had the strength to escape. You truly are a warrior.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you so much for sharing this, Shae. I had no idea. Strong beyond words.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shae says:

      Thank you for your kind words!

      Like

  3. Blue Sky says:

    This is so horrific! I am so sorry for all that you have suffered.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shae says:

      Thank you dear. We all have our battles.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sandy says:

    Dear, dear, Shae. Know this first and foremost: You are loved and valued.

    You told me of your desire to help others, through writing about your life, from the first day you started sharing your story with me in person. This blog (Phoenix Warrior!) is the first manifestation of that hope. It has already achieved just that. Thank you.

    Remember to protect and take care of yourself. It was wise for you to proclaim, in early days, that there are very few of us that can even begin to fathom your experience. We can only follow and support you through your journey and take from it lessons for our own lives.

    If this forum ever starts to be anything other than a positive place for you, just end it. Immediately. Explore other avenues for your writing, outreach, and healing. You are bright, creative and resourceful. So many will benefit from connecting with you. Think broadly – don’t limit yourself.

    Of course, I cannot begin to comprehend how your mother could have assaulted you so brutally. You write of seeking a deeper or “true” meaning for her actions. Whatever insight you might gain from that, please always hold sure in your heart and mind that what she did was fundamentally wrong.

    Shae, I am left with outrage at how many adults must have failed to protect and advocate for you when you were in dire need. I hope there were people that held you close and showered love on you when you were finally provided safe haven.

    Your words remind me that I need to have a heightened awareness for children who might be in crisis situations, and move heaven and earth to get them out. Your teaching, my learning.

    With love, and deep respect for your initiating this intensely personal conversation – smoss

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I hope it’s okay to say here that I knew you when. I knew you when you had two whole eyes. We were friends, although you went by a different name then, you were part of our click. I saw on Instagram that you have this blog and wanted to check it out. Imagine my surprise when the first page I turn to answers a question I have had about you for 20 years! I heard a different story about what happened to you that night, one that never really added up in my mind. Looking back, I should have spoken up but we were all too young and dumb back then and you were so hurt (emotionally I mean. I mistook it for embarrassment)! It must have been hard to go to school and lie for her. I literally had NO idea this was happening to you! I wish I could have helped you, our little group went through some challenging times and we would have found a way to help you! I can not imagine the intense fear and emotion you must have been experiencing at that time to not reach out! You must have felt so un-loveable because no one would help you. And to be bullied in school? We would have rallied around you!
    Gawd, I’m sorry. This is my first reaction and I am making it all about me. I am experiencing shame and guilt for not helping you. I have so many questions about what happened and about your life leading up to and since then. I will keep reading and hope to glean a clue. And, if you’ll accept it, I want to offer you love and light when and how I can. I know it’s late though. I would also like to suggest sharing this with a few folks from HS on FB since I know I am not the only one of us who wondered. You might find some healing there?
    I am sending you so much love right now. Everything about you and that situation is so far away from me in both time and space. I want to hold both of you (the you that I knew back then and the you that is to this day still dealing with this shit) and heal you with my love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shae says:

      The only person that should feel guilt is her not anyone else especially children! Thank you very much for reaching out! Please do share with whomever you like and we need to talk more as well when I am not heading to work. Maybe fb messenger?

      Like

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