This week has been a struggle in many ways but the biggest of them all is dealing with the one injury I still can’t seem to be okay with. I have a prosthetic eye and I woke up with it swollen so I had to do what I haven’t had to do in over 19 years, take it out for a few days and wear a patch. I thought I had emotional issues about the whole thing due to the bullying I suffered in highschool due to it but it isn’t. I was having a hard time and my friend said to me that I was making to much of a deal about it and I need to get over it and at that very moment I realized it wasn’t the patch, it was the root of the whole thing. How I got here.
It’s the fact that I will never understand why I had to lose my eye in the first place. I realized I still haven’t completely processed the fact that the first person I trusted with my whole soul and loved unconditionally completely blinded my left eye. It just doesn’t make sense to my brain and my heart. This was my mother. My protector. My world. My best friend. My everything. I just would like to know what could go through someone’s head that would do such harm on their own child. As well as the ultimate question. Why? I know what she said to me when she did it but I want to know the true reason. It wasn’t her first attempt. So there has to be more to it.
The other thing is I wish people would not tell me how to handle things or process things that may come up that trigger me from my past. Unless you have experienced anything remotely close to what I have gone through or are a therapist you have no idea how to deal with my daily demons.
Some days I just sit here wondering if it was all just a truly bad nightmare and never really happened. Then I look in the mirror and realize it is a reality. I still will never forget how I lost my vision that night. I was in the kitchen exhausted from days of no real sleep and I tried to sneak a nap while she was sleeping. I was sitting on the floor with my knees to my chest and resting my head on my knees. She comes in yelling about me sleeping and not cleaning and says I’m sinning with my eyes by resting them so she is going to gauge them out like the Bible says. Then takes a ball point pen and stabs my eye, blood starts coming down my face and she gets mad and says I better not get blood everywhere and has me go to the bathroom and get I the tub. She tells me to just stay in there and tells me it’s my fault I made her do that and that I need to be a better child.
It’s still so real but at the same time it’s like a distance bad dream or another lifetime. I really don’t know how I got through hours or days with that woman. People say it’s because I’m strong but I just don’t know. I feel like there is something else to it. I always said I would share my story with the world though it took 20 years since I left that house better late than never as they say.