Phoenix Warrior

I wear my scars proudly. They are my battle wounds.

You can do it get up, get ready, conquer another day. For most people their daily stresses are simple. Hoping to make it to work on time, have an easy day at work, etc. Then there are people with daily mental battles that makes it a huge feat just to have a reason to leave your safe place, your bed.

So many people deal with mental illness and you would have no idea with most of them unless they shared it with you. I personally struggle with anxiety, depression and PTSD. I have come a very long way with my mental health the past 20 years but there are somethings that are still a challenge. Lately just trying to stay happy and positive has been a real struggle. Don’t get me wrong I am very grateful for all I have, amazing friends and family, a nice apartment, food, a job and I’m still alive. It’s not that I want to feel sad it just happens. One minute I’m truly enjoying my life and feel “normal” then bam! a dark cloud of gloom shows up, sometimes for just a little bit or sometimes for days. No matter how much I try to fight it the gloom just surrounds me and swallows me whole.

Then there is the awesome PTSD. Now let me stress the fact that anyone can suffer from this after being through or witnessing a traumatic event. Most people think it’s just an issue that veterans deal with but it can even be someone just suffering from a sudden loss of someone close. Everyday can be a challenge in many ways for people dealing with PTSD, even if they are actively seeking treatment for it. They deal with many things that we refer to as triggers.  It came be anything from smells, to objects or places. It also depends on what their traumatic experience was. One thing to always remember if you know someone who suffers from this is they deal with many things but to be more aware of what the call arousal and reactivity symptoms they are ongoing and can make the person stressed. Having difficulty sleeping, being easily startled, feeling tense or on edge and having angry outburst. This may make it hard for them to do daily task like sleeping, eating or concentrating.

For me my personal struggles with PTSD are complicated. I’m definitely on edge and easily startled, kinda like a jumpy cat. So many things happened in those few years that she went truly crazy so unfortunately I have so many triggers. Lots of household objects have or had bothered me. I have this past year been working on overcoming my triggers as they show up though that is not that easy. Smells can definitely bring me back or tastes. The worst by far though is putting a writing pen to close to my face, it literally triggers physical pain flashbacks. I hate that feeling. Then their is when I watch a gory horror movies and for example beat someone with a hammer especially if it’s a head shot I will relive my previous injuries and my scars will start doing this weird crawling thing. So I try to avoid allowing myself in these situations when I can. There is also having someone raise there voice at me or verbal abuse. I will shut down and unlike the other PTSD suffers I don’t have violent burst instead I have emotional breakdowns and will just cry uncontrollably. I have this problem with holding too much it due to her making me not show emotions because I would be punished so my dam gate now is broken now so to speak. I hold everything in so much that it finally bursts from being flooded from holding too much in then all heck breaks loose. I’m hoping now that I’m writing actively it will help prevent me from doing that now that I can express myself openly.

Stress…Shae why do you worry so much? I have anxiety I worry about worrying lol. My mind never stops, ever. The running joke is when people say they need to talk to me my response always is what did I do? It’s never bad though. You name it I probably stress about it. I also have to terrible habit of over thinking on everything no matter what it is. My favorite is anxiety attacks! Especially at work. Oh boy. Not a fun experience what so ever or having one when you trying to go to sleep from stressing about getting enough sleep because you have to get up at 330am and your brain just won’t shut off and you just want to scream! Yes I’m sure there are many out there that can relate to that.

So now to past year I have been doing a lot to work on all of these daily battles. Number one is just getting out of bed somehow I manage that. I have two diffusers in my apartment that I use for aromatherapy depending on what I’m needing. Sleeping, stress, inspiration, energy, detoxing, uplifting and etc. It really helps me plus I use those oils to make my own bath salts for my physical pain. I also started making my own body oil line with uplifting scents which keeps me busy and gives me my creative passion I need in my life. I try to meditate but I’m really most relaxed when I’m working on my herbs. Between the smells and the healing energy it’s just peaceful. I hope you have or can find your healing passion.
Thank you all for taking the time to stop by have a beautiful day!

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